She wanted to go. Really she did. I always ask for a surprise. Today there was nothing big, no a-ha. There was no superlative symbol, because her life was in no way anything close to superlative. That is how I knew who came today. I saw her feet with chipped paint and rough hard edges, her hands the picture of a working homemaker, her tank top, her limited personal items and her space. She showed me and I knew the bright eyed, loving soul and remembered she really gave it all to others and still survived.
She showed me herself sitting, hands on her head. Listening, but not really. When she was spoken to it was rough, harsh and crisp sounds. She heard nothing after some time. She knew she was not who she was. There were hardships and challenges that caused a rift in her home when she was young. There were painful experiences that broke her childhood in many ways. She was not like them, though she tried. Her whole life was about fleeing. She once had her ways to ease the pain and emotional, physical suffering. When her typical escapes became impossible, she went back inside. She no longer looked for the better outside, so instead she escaped to her mind and dreamed and wished and then hoped she would finally become.
Hope is what follows the emotion, the root cause of sadness that eventually turned to despair. I don’t want to have to hope. She didn’t want to have to hope. Hope is one or the other. Hope is for better or hope is for worse. Hope, when you are in, or when you are out. Hope is for, or against. Hope is light or dark. Hope is for greater or lesser good, hope is a new beginning, or a new end. Her despair became hope. She hoped for better. She hoped to be in the light. She hoped to be her greatest self and hoped for a new beginning.
Life needs just those important things to survive. Food, shelter, water, air. Check. She had all of the requirements to be a human and survive. She had what she needed to survive but not what she needed to live. I would rather die, then live to survive just as she did. Over time, her experiences became feelings, her feelings became her sadness. Her sadness became anger and her anger, eventually rage. She raged inside her head, until she let go of it all. I believe to know that she let go, of her feelings, her experiences, her anger and her rage yet her soul intended her to live.
I firmly believe, and it is my opinion, that if we can’t become our true self while on the earth, our true self will find it’s own way to emerge without your approval or acknowledgement. She really had no way out. I will be the first to say as a young growing woman I had the belief that abused women could leave, should leave, that if you are not happy, than you are choosing so. For the first time, that belief is a challenge to me. I just don’t quite know because I never had the difficult choice. I never had to survive. I realize now, that she was not weak, pitiful or not incapable. She was not submissive, but for certain I know she was not happy.
Brain cancer did not take her. Cancer did not win. She won. She won, on her terms, in her own head, and her own plan. And just according to her plan, he suffered and will continue to. She has all that she needs to live and he has just what is needed to survive. And boy is she happy.
What I learned today…
- Where there is darkness, there is light
- Where there is despair, hope
- In dying, we are born to eternal life
- Live, don’t just survive
- You will become who you were meant to be, on your terms or not.
- Sometimes, there is no way out. Don’t judge what you don’t have to survive.
- Cancer does not win, first your soul and then your Source, your God brings life