I will take a Moment with my Soul instead of my usual 5:00 cocktail. I can feel the anxiety of the people who are cringing as they are sipping and reading this. I know, scary right? It was for me.
My life experiences justified the diagnosis of anxiety and PTSD. I had a horrific accident when I was in high school, developed Hashimoto disease in my 20’s, I had breast cancer at age 32, lyme disease, C-Diff, sepsis, I bled internally for a week, had about 15 surgeries over the years, and a near death experience. My anxiety was rooted in believing another challenging life experience would bring a new disease and disorder to my list. So I escaped my dis-eases and dis-orders and grabbed a pack of smokes (organic of course), my pile of prescriptions, my chardonnay chaser, and left my building, my body that is.
“Light brings light and dark brings the dark”. Those were the words of my Spiritual and Soul teacher, Master Healer, Deborah King. How simple while profound and elementary that statement is. My dark response to my diseases and disorders was to search for the ‘white out’. So, when my chest got heavy, or it was difficult to swallow, and the cinderblocks lay heavily on my heart that was preparing for an attack, I would crawl to medicine cabinet and then to the cork, which quickened the quiet by turning me off.
I have suffered from debilitating anxiety from my life experiences, but I am also clairsentient, which is the ability to sense, to feel other people’s emotions. I was desperate to stop feeling the pain and suffering in my life and the extra-ordinary sensory feelings. Unfortunately, when I turned my light off, I said my goodbyes to the voice of my soul self, the presence of my angels, guardians and the answers to my prayers. I chose to be safe, so I thought, and alone in the dark.
Everyone always gave me a “bye” for any inappropriate behavior, and laughed at the loss of my filter, well because of the laundry list of life experiences listed above. When the anxiety was present, it was uncomfortable for me but also for those who were close to me. Everyone always came to me for advice and guidance. To them, I was the super woman who never got knocked down. I knew when I was in a state of pure anxiety, and it was compounded by the fear in others. I felt me and I felt them. When I appeared weak and vulnerable, those around me got scared. They wanted and needed me back just as much as I did and when I forgot I was reminded, “Did I take my meds?”.
I preferred the Dark over the Light for quite some time. The Dark did not require thought or feelings. My life seemed hard and painful and scary. Living meant possibilities, possibilities meant disease and disorder. I so desperately wanted to turn the lights out. But my Soul, my true self, was on high alert. My Soul was on a mission to get me back on track by telling me just what I needed to hear, “settle down, “be still”, “be quiet”. And I did.
Anxiety medication doesn’t cure the root of anxiety, ADHD medication while helping to focus, doesn’t get to the root of distraction and the dose or two of chardonnay, will never be enough to silence the voice of our soul’s intention and the reason for our pain. My life experiences made me feel disconnected, disordered and caused me much dis-ease and warranted professional medical help. I needed the medication, and I do not judge myself for the need. After time, I have come to learn that quieting myself, being still, being an observer is a far more powerful healer than any pill or any pour. After years of suffering under the dark cloud of prescriptions, I chose to come to the Light.
What to remember when the anxiety comes on….
1. You control your mind. Tell it to settle down. Breathe.
2. Close your eyes, focus on colors you see, feel your toes, roll your shoulders, do anything that brings you into yourself. Because the power is within you.
3. Listen, not to the thoughts in your head, but instead the sounds in your ears. Listen and hear the song that calms you or the sounds of the place that soothes you, or the voice that reminds you, that you are ok.
4. Breathe in with your eyes closed, and imagine a white light coming in from the top of your head through the soles of your feet.
5. Breathe out and watch the white light come back up and through your legs, torso, chest, and out through your heart like a waterfall of light and love.
6. Shower in that light, until you cannot forget the image.
7. Take time to meditate twice a day for 20 minutes
8. Remember, it is your body, your mind and you are in charge.
I always feel compelled to end my blogs with a poem or inspirational message. Today, I chose to hear this.
I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard My people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin,
My hand will save.
I who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear My light to them?
Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord, Is it I, Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.